Stan & Jorgie learn from Mugatu

So our ever ready reporters Stan & Jorgie have decided they need advice on how to look, how to vogue and more importantly how to win a walk off. They have entered into a world small dogs and high hair, glits, glam and the most tiny mobile phone the word has ever seen - yes, this is Zoolander.

The Film:

Derek Zoolander is VH1’s three time male model of the year, but when Hansel wins the award instead, Zoolander’s world becomes upside down. His friends disappear, his father is disappointed in him, and he feels that he’s not good as a model anymore. But when evil fashion guru Mugato hires Zoolander, he thinks his life has turned back round again, that is until he finds out that Mugato has actually brainwashed him to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Can Zoolander and his new friends find out how to prevent the incident before it’s too late?

THE REVIEWS

Greetings to my proud and strong people. I reach out to you my film comrades!

This week end I visited Stanly in the country at farm. I attempted to
groom himself before the TIFF arrives. During our visit I show him
Zoolander, film with classy male models that look of class. I will you
be telling you my feelings on this film, as a professional critic.
Zoolander is a bit queer to begin. Male models without crazy females -
like chernobyl without safety inspections.

I always choose to review three aspects of film story for you: story,
intensification, teknikal aspects.

The story is giving me a semi authentic feel. In the sense that Ben
Stiller must be really funny, odd little man in the real life time. He
could not be a model though. And this angers me. They should have
picked more believable model types like Steven Segal - kung fu expert!
Very cool guy. Stiller, goofy like three legged dog.

Per intensification - this film gets half marks. The entire length is
filled with men. More women would have made me smile more. But perhaps
the director had a different vision. But I stand by my more women
idea. Cannot dispute this. Milla Jovovich and the male model massacre
gas station explosion are most intense. Milla - WOWA!

Teknikal direction was strong like steel beams made from a Russian god
penis. Nice angles, tight shots and brilliant colors kept me engaged.
And Milla too. OH WOWA!

Overall film cannot get “Russian Eagle” ranking of glory. Not enough
women on top of Milla. This really boiled my feelings and its was
unpleasant. This has been assigned “Southern Shitter” of disapproval.

See you at TIFF.

Jorgie out.

Stan’s review of Zoolander

Jorgie told me this film was all about hot models. Not male models. I
have to remind myself not to trust a dude who’s borscht making
babushka runs a sex traffic operation. Contradictions breed
contradictions. Jorgie may appear like a saint but he is just another
jerk on the inside.

But I digress. Time for the review….

Zoolander placed too much emphasis on male hair and weird face
twitches. Where were the hot chick strippers? Where was the giant vat
of honey with busty babe strippers beating up little men dwarfs? I
knew I should have just stayed at home and spent some quality time
with XXX sites and an open jar of Stan’s sweet bbq sauce.

And what the f…k was that scene with all the dudes lathering up
their ripped glistening muscular torsos with gasoline? They were
pretty ripped though…those model dudes…Hmmm…It kind of made me
feel awkward.

The main character Derek Zoolander played by Ben Stiller is short and
needs to be punched. I really don’t like short people. They freak me
out. I liked Will Farrell as the bad dude but I didn’t like his
miniature poodle dog. Poodles are just wrong. And mini poodles are
plain evil. So I guess it did kind of work for Will’s evil character.
I’ve been having nightmares about angry mini poodles humping my legs
and biting my knee caps. Creepy. Course I did wake up with an
erection… Damn I’m more confused than ever.

I liked Milla Jovavich. I had an erection the entire time she was on
screen. And I felt good about that. Real good! Could have seen more of
Milla. Milla seems like a cool babe. I think she would be into opening
a barbeque restaurant and in the spare time making butter with me. She
just seems like that type of sweet chick.

All in all Zoolander wasn’t completely terrible. There were some funny
bits. But there wasn’t enough Milla and too many short male models
with makeup and puffy hair.

So I say burn the film and flush it down the southern shitter.

fu-

Stan